Why Write When You’re Anxious or Depressed?
I've been told it'd be beneficial for myself and others if I wrote about my experiences with mental health, but because the universe is full of callous destruction, I often can't bring myself to write coherently while in a prolonged emotional rut.
So, I'll be honest; I have had a consistently low mood as of late. There's not anything severely wrong I can pinpoint, nor is my disposition causing any strong reactions from my mind or body. I would best describe my feelings as a mix of steady disappointment, stagnation, and a lack of accomplishment. Disappointment toward what, I can't state with certainty.
In truth, I have felt better than usual these past few months for no discernible reason. I have few complaints. This is an improvement from over a decade of daily suicide ideation of which I never spoke about. I believe expressing negative emotions is often perceived as a cry for pity, but in all honesty, I only began speaking about them when I grew tired of suppressing them. And recovery? The thing about recovery is that sometimes it's unattainable, and it can be damaging to center life around it when you're only giving yourself a goal you can't meet, which leads to damaged self-esteem. This isn't to say recovery is impossible in all situations or positivity is bad, but when you're sick, it is necessary, at least for me, to not fixate on how I should act to fit a standard of "okay" and realize this struggle is lifelong. You can't cure or "get past" multiple chronic illnesses. There aren't enough breathing exercises in the world that will make me "get over" or "move past" my anxiety. Shockingly, I’ve not yet been cured by, “You were fine yesterday. Why can't you act the same? Why can't you do what you were doing last week?” Or: “There's nothing to freak out/cry about” or “You don't understand real stress.”
There are losses I've experienced even time may never smooth over, "normal" grieving process or not. I've been told this mindset is defeatist and asserting a lack of control, but rather, I see it as a way to live a life where I'm not ashamed of an ingrained issue by fighting its very existence to make others feel better. At the core of it, I was told it was abnormal and inconvenient to have the feelings I did, so I kept them buried, but no longer. At least, insomuch that I accept myself, though I struggle putting words to my own thoughts because I like funneling experiences into fiction rather than speaking about myself that often.
If recovery is a journey anyhow, it seems odd to make it an end goal—to recover—if the process is usually emphasized. I can control that I have anxiety, but I can acknowledge myself for who I am and tell myself that while I don't feel okay, I'm not bad or wrong for having those feelings. They're a part of life; they're a part of my life and the breadth of what I have and will experience. I've always been bothered by advice that things'll be better when I'm an adult, or when I'm twenty-five, or in two years, or five years. Some problems in life, like a chronic illness, are lifelong and sometimes ever-evolving or devolving ("spoonies"). I don't want to beat myself up for not being "functioning" at an arbitrary time limit. I don't want to wait for a distant date to be okay with myself; I no longer chide myself for not being "there" yet. I'm not a failure for being anxious or depressed for days at a time. In fact, going back to not knowing why I have felt better as of late, my mood has improved vastly as I've accepted myself for who I am, but it has not absolved my anxiety or lower moods. Even so, I give myself permission to keep going with the emotions I have rather than fixate on how I shouldn't feel that way, or how I need to find The Cause before I do anything else.
I have severe anxiety that colors my everyday activities, and this includes writing.
Recently, I've dealt with self-doubt concerning my writing, or rather, if my it'll connect with others and help them. I've felt a disconnect engaging with others through writing, whether my stories or social media, largely because of my anxiety and issues curtailing it and being approachable. Normally, I mask this with caustic humor. (Which is very clever and always works, mind you.)
I wish I could give a solution to my struggles so this could be informative to others. Not every book is meant to be published, yes, but if one could be a candle in the darkness, no matter how small the flame, writing seems worth the risk, even on days the progress is slower; I’m an advocate for believing that no single writing routine works for everyone, and even writing a hundred words a day is progress.
But what is the purpose of writing for me? I can't say it much better than Jennifer Garam: "I have a strong sense of what my mission is — to heal myself and others through my writing." And, in truth, if you fail, nobody cares more about your rejections and "failures" than yourself. So really, it's small potatoes, even if it feels like a massive, starchy mountain. When I was in high school feeling isolated and disliked, I read stories like Speak, The Catcher in the Rye, and Ellen Hopkins’s works, and they moved me because I felt less alone while I was shuffling through an impenetrable morass. They were friends when I needed it, and my writing, YOUR writing, could be that comfort. Even if hundreds of people don't relate, art, no matter how flawed, can save just one life, and doesn't that make it worth it?
In the words of Ali Luke:
That blog post you’re half-way through could be exactly what someone needs to read, right now. That fan-fiction piece you’re working on could be the one bright spot in someone’s crappy day. That novel you’re writing could become someone’s dog-eared favorite for years and years to come. That book you’ve outlined could be exactly what someone needs to finally break through a barrier and reach one of their goals. And this won’t just happen once. This will happen over and over again, for people whose lives you’d never otherwise have touched. You just have to keep writing.
That’s why I write.
Have you had experiences with writing while struggling with a chronic illness? Why do you write?
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